12/22/1945 Diane Sawyer

Hi Diane, I know you usually ask the questions, but I've got a couple for you. IF THAT'S OK WITH YOU? Good, good... Are you a hallucination? Wait don't answer that... If the answer happened to be yes, I'd lose this rock hard erection I've had for you since you interviewed Whitney Houston. Never in my life have I seen so much white in one room, and we're talking about Whitney fucking Houston here. Let's be honest with ourselves... You want me, I want you. Take that ring off your goddamn finger and let's make this happen. Or keep it on, you know, whatever YOU want. Stick it to the man, and let the man stick it to you. Question number C, you were born in Glasgow, Kentucky? Bollocks. The only Glasgow I know of, is the biggest fucking city in Scotland, who do you think you're fooling here? Let's recap, you're born in a made up location, and you won't tell us whether you are imaginary or real. I'm starting to think your birthday isn't even on December 22nd... It all makes sense now... WHAT THE FUCK DIANE? I JUST WROTE THIS FOR NOTHING! WELL FUCK YOU AND YOUR "12-15 MILLION DOLLAR" SALARY OF MONOPOLY MONEY! I'M NOT GONNA STAY AT THE BOARDWALK AND WATCH YOU REAP THE INCOME ANYMORE. I'LL JUST TAKE THE READING RAILROAD OVER TO ST. JAMES PLACE, AT LEAST HE HAS WII FIT. Thanks a lot DIANE, I just lost my halfie, I'm done here. What's that Mr. Monopoly Man? Sure I'll take $200 for passing "Go", thanks chief.

12/21/1965 Andy Dick

Who the shit do you think you are? You've never been funny, the funniest thing you've ever done was pull some innocent girls' top down and get arrested for it, and I don't think you did that as a joke Mr. Dick. You need to decide a couple things before I'll speak to you, A. Are you insane, or are you sane? B. Are you gay, or straight? These are two questions that the general public has been STUMPING themselves trying to figure out for years. Remember that reality show you had? "The Andy Dick Show"? That wasn't half bad sir, I quite enjoyed that show... but this isn't about you, it's about the millions that you've deceived with your bullshit lies. What about them, Dick? Remember that gay blowjob scene you did in old school? Where you taught women how to give oral sex? That was pretty damn convincing... You have me fooled, sir. I swear, you put more metaphorical cock in your mouth than anyone I know of... You're either a damn good actor, or a damn good homosexual. Judging by your appearance as Olga the masseuse in Zoolander, I'm guessing it wasn't the acting. So... COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY! You'd get more publicity that way, we all know that's what you want! Bottom line Andy, I'm tired of your shenanigans, quite frankly, I'm tired of seeing your face in random movies. Get a lead role, or get the fuck out of Hollywood. Give it up, start living the American dream like the rest of us, sit at home eating colby beef, watching pay-per-view porn, drinking bud select. At least consider it... I appreciate it.

12/20/1946 Uri Geller

I hope you were eating a delicious bowl of apple cobbler for your birthday, and your spoon broke in fucking half. Seriously, you're 62 years old and you still won't give it up? You can't bend spoons with your mind you selfish asshole! You've already made enough money fooling hard working Americans and Michael Jackson. I think it's about time you leave us all alone, or tell us the goddamn TRUTH. Oh what's the truth? The truth is, you're just as lame as everyone else in the sense that you can't move shit without touching it, is that so hard to accept? In February 2008 you said that you did NOT have any supernatural powers, but you winked when you said it! That wink killed this puppy... You're the biggest mind fuck in the universe. Your own country hates you for your lies, they booed you out in the 70's, and you just thought "Oh I'll go feed America some bullshit for 30-some odd years!". Well it fucking worked, are you proud of yourself you Israeli-British fuck? And why the FUCK do you have a Cadillac with spoons all over it? Just because JFK ate some cheerios with a spoon and you bent it WITH YOUR HANDS doesn't make it a legitimate piece of "car jewelry". The owner of every spoon that you touch dies or is forever humiliated... THINK ABOUT IT: John Lennon, JFK, The Spice Girls, Michael Jackson, Winston Churchill. Need I go on? Your curse of lies needs to end Uri Geller, you hurt too many. How does a 3 letter name have 2 syllables? That's bullshit and you know it. Go buy a REAL name with your millions of dollars.